As I sit here in the semi dark room that has belonged to Madison for the last 4 1/2 weeks, I am struck with a realization. It is time to say good bye to the NICU. At rounds this morning the doctor, told us that tomorrow would most likely be the big day. So we are planning on taking her home tomorrow. Getting all the final prep done at the hospital. Unless something happens tonight, she will be coming home tomorrow!!
This has been a very long journey. It's one that I would do again for Madison. She is so special to me, and is my little miracle baby. When I got pregnant back in July, I was a little worried. I'm the youngest in my family and other then watching my nieces and nephew for a few hours a couple times a week, I don't have a lot of experience with kids let alone babies. My pregnancy went very smoothly in the beginning. I had very little morning sickness, and really enjoyed watching my belly get bigger every month. And then swollen feet, and headaches started this whirlwind of an adventure.
I still lay awake at night and miss having Madison in my belly. It's kind of strange isn't it? I have this amazing little girl, but I miss her in my belly. I think it's because she was still supposed to be in there for another month. Also, I never got to go through labor, and have some closure to the pregnancy. I was pregnant and doing better on the meds they were giving me, and then all of the sudden I'm a Mom.
Part of me is going to miss this place. A very small piece of me. I love (most) of the nurses here, especially my primary care nurses who took care of Madison the most. And there are a few nurses that only had her once or twice, but made such an impact on us as a family. I will miss the routine, the familiarity of it all. I've never had my baby home, and in a way this feels like home. I have spent 7 weeks in this place. Two trying to keep Madison in, and 5 weeks moving toward getting her out. And now it's here. I can't quite believe it.
I look at my big 4 pound baby and she looks so big compared the the tiny 2 pound 9 ounce baby she was just a short 5 weeks ago. Her cheeks are filling out, she has a cute baby double chin, and her elephant knees are gone. She is still little, but she is my big girl now :)
As I sit here, I watched a new mom slowly walk into her room, still in her hospital gown. Probably wishing she could will her body to move just a little faster, cause your baby is waiting for you. It take me back to my first week. Remembering that first week is still so hard for me. All of the emotions that were going on. Seeing my sweet little girl with tubes, and wires all over. And not even being able to see her whole face because of the C-pap and eye protection she had on. Then think, it was a WHOLE 2 days before I got to hold that little girl to my chest. Oh man, that week was probably the worst of my life. The uncertainty of it all. And not being able to comfort her when she was crying and upset.
But my parents, my siblings, friends, and most importantly my husband, all told me that we would make it through this. And I knew we would. I just didn't know how long it would take. The doctors all said to anticipate going home around her due date. And here we are just a short 5 weeks later, and she's ready to go! All of the doctors and nurses are just shocked by how well she's doing. But I'm not. She's a fighter, she is made of good stock. The NICU is where I started out after all.
So tomorrow we get to start another adventure. Being home. And I can't wait to see how it goes!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
What a month
A lot can happen in one month. My baby is a month old today. It's crazy to think that it's already been a month, when some days if feels like this month has been going on forever. At 1:45 on February 24, my beautiful miracle baby came into my life. Some of the emotions I've experienced in the last month have been some of the most intense I've ever had. But I wouldn't change it for anything. The journey to get her here, was even eventful. But the end result was Miss Madison, and I would do it again for her, in a heartbeat.
In the last month, she was born. Taken immediately into the NICU, without seeing Mom or Dad first. It was 13 hours before I got to see her for the first time, and another 2 days before I could hold her. She was on a C-pap breathing machine, which came off after just 4 days. She was on IV nutrition, which came out after about a week. She had to lay under the Billie lights for a week. Was in an isolet for 3 weeks, now she thinks she's a big girl in a crib. She is still trying to master eating, and breathing, but she is getting there. She had her first bath, that she promptly pooped in. Madison is getting bigger everyday.
Her little personality is starting to shine through. She is a very good baby, until she gets mad. And then everyone around her knows. Once she has calmed down she makes this cute little grunting noise. As if to let you know, she's ok now, but you really did just make her mad, and you better not do it again. She loves kangaroo care times with Mommy and Daddy. She hates it when the Drs listen to her heart and belly, and really hates it when they measure her tummy (but what girl enjoys that?) And lately she seems to think it's a good idea to wait until the diaper is open before she poops. (That happened TWICE yesterday and ONLY to me lol) She knows when it's getting close to time to eat. She gets excited and starts trying to chomp and anything near her mouth. All of the nurses love her, and ask to be assigned to her. She has an amazing spirit, that has touched many people in her short life so far. She defiantly knows her mom and dad, and will look for where the sound of our voices are coming from. And will almost always calm, when Tyler starts singing to her.
I cannot wait to bring this little girl home! I can't wait to learn more about this little person, her likes and dislikes. We are getting closer everyday to that ultimate goal of home. Of course they won't give us a date, too much is still up in the air. But I'm getting excited for the day they say, she's ready. There will be tears of joy all over the place. I will be sad to leave the nurses behind, who I've come to call my friends. But you better believe I will not be sad to leave the hospital behind.
In the last month, she was born. Taken immediately into the NICU, without seeing Mom or Dad first. It was 13 hours before I got to see her for the first time, and another 2 days before I could hold her. She was on a C-pap breathing machine, which came off after just 4 days. She was on IV nutrition, which came out after about a week. She had to lay under the Billie lights for a week. Was in an isolet for 3 weeks, now she thinks she's a big girl in a crib. She is still trying to master eating, and breathing, but she is getting there. She had her first bath, that she promptly pooped in. Madison is getting bigger everyday.
Her little personality is starting to shine through. She is a very good baby, until she gets mad. And then everyone around her knows. Once she has calmed down she makes this cute little grunting noise. As if to let you know, she's ok now, but you really did just make her mad, and you better not do it again. She loves kangaroo care times with Mommy and Daddy. She hates it when the Drs listen to her heart and belly, and really hates it when they measure her tummy (but what girl enjoys that?) And lately she seems to think it's a good idea to wait until the diaper is open before she poops. (That happened TWICE yesterday and ONLY to me lol) She knows when it's getting close to time to eat. She gets excited and starts trying to chomp and anything near her mouth. All of the nurses love her, and ask to be assigned to her. She has an amazing spirit, that has touched many people in her short life so far. She defiantly knows her mom and dad, and will look for where the sound of our voices are coming from. And will almost always calm, when Tyler starts singing to her.
I cannot wait to bring this little girl home! I can't wait to learn more about this little person, her likes and dislikes. We are getting closer everyday to that ultimate goal of home. Of course they won't give us a date, too much is still up in the air. But I'm getting excited for the day they say, she's ready. There will be tears of joy all over the place. I will be sad to leave the nurses behind, who I've come to call my friends. But you better believe I will not be sad to leave the hospital behind.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I just don't know yet.
As I was laying in bed last night, trying to get Tyler to have a late night conversation (it didn't last long, he started snoring before I could finish my thoughts lol) I realized something. I am still having struggles with Madison being in the NICU.
My little Miss Madison is doing very well, and our days have become pretty routine. I get the at 8:00ish, take her temp., change a diaper (sometimes 2 if she's not done with the first one yet), clean her little face, and feed her. Then we get some cuddle time in, and then we repeat every 3 hours. I stay from 8-1230 or 1, and then I come home and take care of my domestic stuff. And then after dinner Tyler and I go back to hospital for a few more hours.
But despite the routine we have, and the shaky confidence we are gaining, in learning how to take care of her, and that we are slowly getting closer to taking her home. In the back of my mind I worry that things might take a turn for the worst. It's hard to hear the calls for "code blue", and see the life flight crew walking around. I know that it could have very easily been us. But thank heavens it wasn't, and I pray every night that is isn't ever us.
You know what the most annoying thing people ask us now that she's been in the hospital for just about a month? "When is she coming home?" Or any variation of that question. Let me answer for you? I DON'T KNOW! Of course I don't answer that way, but sometimes I would like to. I usually opt for the polite "well it depends on her, and how she continues to do."
I know people are asking because the are curious. But guess what? So I am. I wish I knew when she is coming home. I wish I had an exact date for when I can bring her to her home, and tuck her into her bed. But the fact is, I don't know. And I won't know until a few days before I can bring her home. I believe me, when I find out what that date is I will shout from the roof tops that my baby is coming home! So until that day, I will keep answering the questions, that people will keep asking.
And this is pretty much what I would have told my sleepy husband, had he not started snoring during the middle of my thoughts. :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Oh Crap....Literally
Today, was a good day. We got to experience an awesome first with Madison. Although it was in a hospital setting, with a nurse helping a little. WE GOT TO GIVE MADISON A BATH!! She was still hooked up to her oxygen, and we needed some hints and encouragement from the nurse. So we didn't get to try and figure it out on our own. But in a way that's when being in the NICU is a blessing. We are learning how to take care of Madison with nurses by our sides. So when we get home, all we'll have to do is, pull up the advice from the nurses, and hope we don't mess it up too badly.
This evening, the nurse came into the room, and asked if we still wanted to give her a bath. Uh duh! Of course we did. So off she went to find a bath tub. When she came back, she had a large Tupperware container. I chuckled we get to bathe her in Tupperware! Because she is so small we had to do a swaddle bath. Which is exactly what it sounds like. We wrap her in a blanket and put her in the water. She stays in the blanket, and we uncover her to wash and then cover her back up. It keeps her warm, and feeling secure.
Everything was going well, I had her little toes and legs washed. She has a label taped to her leg with her information on it. It was time for a new one, so the nurse went to find some baby oil to get it off. While she was gone, I was trying to keep Madisons' binky in her mouth. And then I looked down towards her feet, and realized to my HORROR she had pooped in the bath! Now poop from a baby that is breast fed, is a little different. It is yellow, and kinda seedy, and floats. So it got EVERYWHERE! Tyler and I were laughing so hard. It was gross, but so funny. So being mom, I stuck my hands in the water to lift my baby up a little so that she wouldn't get it in her face.
In one night we had two first. A bath, and a poop in the bath. Even though they happened in the hospital it was a great memory, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
This evening, the nurse came into the room, and asked if we still wanted to give her a bath. Uh duh! Of course we did. So off she went to find a bath tub. When she came back, she had a large Tupperware container. I chuckled we get to bathe her in Tupperware! Because she is so small we had to do a swaddle bath. Which is exactly what it sounds like. We wrap her in a blanket and put her in the water. She stays in the blanket, and we uncover her to wash and then cover her back up. It keeps her warm, and feeling secure.
Everything was going well, I had her little toes and legs washed. She has a label taped to her leg with her information on it. It was time for a new one, so the nurse went to find some baby oil to get it off. While she was gone, I was trying to keep Madisons' binky in her mouth. And then I looked down towards her feet, and realized to my HORROR she had pooped in the bath! Now poop from a baby that is breast fed, is a little different. It is yellow, and kinda seedy, and floats. So it got EVERYWHERE! Tyler and I were laughing so hard. It was gross, but so funny. So being mom, I stuck my hands in the water to lift my baby up a little so that she wouldn't get it in her face.
In one night we had two first. A bath, and a poop in the bath. Even though they happened in the hospital it was a great memory, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I've turned into a cow!
Boobs, today's topic is boobs. And well more specifically breast feeding. So any male followers I may have out there, consider yourself warned!
Before I got pregnant, I was against breast feeding. Not in general, but for myself. I wasn't breast fed and I turned out just fine! And while doctors say that breast milk is the best, I think babies can do just fine with formula. My decision was purely a selfish one. I didn't want my boobs to sag when I'm older. All the horror stories I'd heard through out the years didn't help either. Chapped nipples, clogged milk ducts...uhh no thank you. Plus, the thought of having a little creature attached to my boob ALL THE TIME (practically) was just not something that appealed to me at all.
THEN I got pregnant, and I started thinking about it. I mean women have been doing it for forever. Then I did some research. Yes, formula is just fine for babies, BUT breast milk is BETTER. There are things in it, that cannot be artificially made and added. For instance, I find it fascinating that she receives some of my immune system through breast milk. I still wasn't convince, but the idea was growing on me. And I figured I had 9 WHOLE months to wrestle with the idea. So I kind of put it on the back burner to deal with later.
And a short 7 months later, I was in the hospital, dealing with high blood pressure. It would have been nice to have made some of our major decisions before then. Because in those two weeks, my focus was on myself and keeping Madison safe for as long as I could. And really the thought of breast milk vs. formula never came up, and I didn't think about it.
However, the Sunday after she was born sooo Feb. 26th, the question was raised, and settled once and for all. I was in the NICU with Tyler and the nurse Ramona (amazing woman by the way) came in to talk to us about Madisons' care. The first thing she asked was breast or formula? And before I even had a chance to think about it, breast popped out of my mouth. I just knew then that I had to breast feed her. I had to give her the best fighting chance I could. Then Ramona asked us another question that kind of startled me. Obviously since I didn't carry to term, my body wasn't quite ready to produce milk yet. So what do you feed her while she waits for my milk to come in? I mean the girl still had to eat. The options were formula, or human pasteurized milk from donor moms. I was shocked! I had no idea that donor milk was even an option. Ramona assured us that the milk was safe and free of any diseases. Once again before I even had a chance to think about it, breast milk came out of my mouth. My reasons being, that once my milk did come in, it wouldn't be such a shock to her system. So after that visit I went up to my room and began to pump. Most of the nurses told me to give it about a week before my milk came in. But in a short 2 days, my milk came in, and it was the next day that I was producing enough for them to give her my milk exclusively.
So now I am attached to a breast pump...oh joy. Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing it enough (6-7 times a day) and that I may not be producing enough for her. But I remind myself, that I will give her everything I can for as long as I can. And if we have to switch to formula, or supplement with formula, then that's what we'll do.
I haven't actually gotten to try a real breast feeding session yet. Madison is still on a feeding tube. BUT today I got to experience something neat. I got to do what's called non-nutritive breast feeding. Basically I pump right before they get her out of the isolate. Then they give her to me, and we practice feeding with no milk in my breast. It gives her a chance to kind of explore this breast feeding thing. Its a totally foreign idea to her. While she is positioned on me the feed her through the feeding tube. That way she can start to associate being on Mommy, and sucking with getting full. We only did it for about 15 minutes today before she got bored and fell asleep. But it was still an awesome experience. And I can't wait to try it again!
And as for all the horror stories I heard? Well my nipples are sore most of the time, I feel like a cow ALL OF THE TIME. I can see why your boobs sag. They get full and firm, and then empty and kinda, well...floppy. And I'm sure I will get to experience many other "joys" of breast feeding. But ya know what? Madison is totally worth it! She has been worth every second of the experience.
Before I got pregnant, I was against breast feeding. Not in general, but for myself. I wasn't breast fed and I turned out just fine! And while doctors say that breast milk is the best, I think babies can do just fine with formula. My decision was purely a selfish one. I didn't want my boobs to sag when I'm older. All the horror stories I'd heard through out the years didn't help either. Chapped nipples, clogged milk ducts...uhh no thank you. Plus, the thought of having a little creature attached to my boob ALL THE TIME (practically) was just not something that appealed to me at all.
THEN I got pregnant, and I started thinking about it. I mean women have been doing it for forever. Then I did some research. Yes, formula is just fine for babies, BUT breast milk is BETTER. There are things in it, that cannot be artificially made and added. For instance, I find it fascinating that she receives some of my immune system through breast milk. I still wasn't convince, but the idea was growing on me. And I figured I had 9 WHOLE months to wrestle with the idea. So I kind of put it on the back burner to deal with later.
And a short 7 months later, I was in the hospital, dealing with high blood pressure. It would have been nice to have made some of our major decisions before then. Because in those two weeks, my focus was on myself and keeping Madison safe for as long as I could. And really the thought of breast milk vs. formula never came up, and I didn't think about it.
However, the Sunday after she was born sooo Feb. 26th, the question was raised, and settled once and for all. I was in the NICU with Tyler and the nurse Ramona (amazing woman by the way) came in to talk to us about Madisons' care. The first thing she asked was breast or formula? And before I even had a chance to think about it, breast popped out of my mouth. I just knew then that I had to breast feed her. I had to give her the best fighting chance I could. Then Ramona asked us another question that kind of startled me. Obviously since I didn't carry to term, my body wasn't quite ready to produce milk yet. So what do you feed her while she waits for my milk to come in? I mean the girl still had to eat. The options were formula, or human pasteurized milk from donor moms. I was shocked! I had no idea that donor milk was even an option. Ramona assured us that the milk was safe and free of any diseases. Once again before I even had a chance to think about it, breast milk came out of my mouth. My reasons being, that once my milk did come in, it wouldn't be such a shock to her system. So after that visit I went up to my room and began to pump. Most of the nurses told me to give it about a week before my milk came in. But in a short 2 days, my milk came in, and it was the next day that I was producing enough for them to give her my milk exclusively.
So now I am attached to a breast pump...oh joy. Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing it enough (6-7 times a day) and that I may not be producing enough for her. But I remind myself, that I will give her everything I can for as long as I can. And if we have to switch to formula, or supplement with formula, then that's what we'll do.
I haven't actually gotten to try a real breast feeding session yet. Madison is still on a feeding tube. BUT today I got to experience something neat. I got to do what's called non-nutritive breast feeding. Basically I pump right before they get her out of the isolate. Then they give her to me, and we practice feeding with no milk in my breast. It gives her a chance to kind of explore this breast feeding thing. Its a totally foreign idea to her. While she is positioned on me the feed her through the feeding tube. That way she can start to associate being on Mommy, and sucking with getting full. We only did it for about 15 minutes today before she got bored and fell asleep. But it was still an awesome experience. And I can't wait to try it again!
And as for all the horror stories I heard? Well my nipples are sore most of the time, I feel like a cow ALL OF THE TIME. I can see why your boobs sag. They get full and firm, and then empty and kinda, well...floppy. And I'm sure I will get to experience many other "joys" of breast feeding. But ya know what? Madison is totally worth it! She has been worth every second of the experience.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
3 pounds!
My baby is 2 weeks old today!!! In the last 2 weeks a lot has changed. We haven't gotten to experience the "normal" or "typical" milestones that come with most newborns. We have had a lot of our own milestones though. Like when they took her off the C-pap breathing machine, when they lowered the amount of oxygen she needs. Even the amount of food she is getting. Of course we have many more milestones too look forward to. Weaning her off oxygen completely, taking out her feeding tube, and of course the big one I CAN'T WAIT FOR, coming home! We still have a while before that last one happens, but it's coming!
This is has has been a long month. 2 weeks in the hospital trying to keep my blood pressure down, and Madison inside my belly. And so far 2 weeks in the NICU. Of course the NICU is actually harder on the parents I think. I spent 7 weeks in the NICU myself as a baby. And I don't remember any of it. My parents though, talking to them about it, and it's almost like they are there again. Madison just hangs out in her isolett growing like she's supposed to be. And while our situation is a mild one compared to others, it's still hard for me to handle some days. Every time she cries because someone woke her up to poke and prod at her it breaks my heart. All I want to do it pick her up and comfort her, but I can't. And the first time that happened, I lost it. I couldn't reach in and pick her up. So I sat in the chair and cried. It's not so bad now. I know that the nurses know what they're doing, and they aren't actually hurting her, she is just mad at being bothered. Every now and then I kinda chuckle. Because if she thinks you are mistreating her...she will let you know. She is feisty that way.
It's getting a little easier to leave her now. I get a little sad and teary eyed some days when I leave. But I keep the crying to a minimum now. At least when I'm leaving. I hate to go, but I also know that I cannot sit in the semi dark room all day. It can get a little depressing. So I leave for a little while every day. I usually come home and pump, and clean a little bit. And when it's time to go back I feel refreshed, and ready to take care of my baby.
I would say that we probably have at least 4 more weeks in the NICU. It will be a long road. But it's one that I would travel again and again for my Madison. If this is what she needs right now, then I'll be there for here. And I will wait for her milestones, and be excited when she gets to them. Her milestones may be a little different from a full term baby, but they are just as amazing. And when she is to the point where she is achieving the "normal" milestones, I will be so thankful for them.
And by the way her latest milestone was a pretty big one. My little baby girl is now officially 3 pounds!! She is quickly growing. And before I know it I will be able to pick her up for a snuggle any time I want. My arms cannot wait for that day!
This is has has been a long month. 2 weeks in the hospital trying to keep my blood pressure down, and Madison inside my belly. And so far 2 weeks in the NICU. Of course the NICU is actually harder on the parents I think. I spent 7 weeks in the NICU myself as a baby. And I don't remember any of it. My parents though, talking to them about it, and it's almost like they are there again. Madison just hangs out in her isolett growing like she's supposed to be. And while our situation is a mild one compared to others, it's still hard for me to handle some days. Every time she cries because someone woke her up to poke and prod at her it breaks my heart. All I want to do it pick her up and comfort her, but I can't. And the first time that happened, I lost it. I couldn't reach in and pick her up. So I sat in the chair and cried. It's not so bad now. I know that the nurses know what they're doing, and they aren't actually hurting her, she is just mad at being bothered. Every now and then I kinda chuckle. Because if she thinks you are mistreating her...she will let you know. She is feisty that way.
It's getting a little easier to leave her now. I get a little sad and teary eyed some days when I leave. But I keep the crying to a minimum now. At least when I'm leaving. I hate to go, but I also know that I cannot sit in the semi dark room all day. It can get a little depressing. So I leave for a little while every day. I usually come home and pump, and clean a little bit. And when it's time to go back I feel refreshed, and ready to take care of my baby.
I would say that we probably have at least 4 more weeks in the NICU. It will be a long road. But it's one that I would travel again and again for my Madison. If this is what she needs right now, then I'll be there for here. And I will wait for her milestones, and be excited when she gets to them. Her milestones may be a little different from a full term baby, but they are just as amazing. And when she is to the point where she is achieving the "normal" milestones, I will be so thankful for them.
And by the way her latest milestone was a pretty big one. My little baby girl is now officially 3 pounds!! She is quickly growing. And before I know it I will be able to pick her up for a snuggle any time I want. My arms cannot wait for that day!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Just a little info
So it's been a while since I've updated my blog. Things have been a little hectic lately. I have been discharged from the hospital, which was the hardest thing (or one of) I've ever had to do. I will write a separate blog about that, when I can get my emotions under control. Madison is still in the NICU but is doing great. My day goes as follows. Get up with Tyler, he takes me to the hospital at 7:30, I hang out with Miss Madison until around 12:30, when my Dad comes to pick me up, I hang out with my dad and nap until 5:00 when Tyler comes over from work. We all eat dinner, and then Tyler and I head home. We usually hang out while I pump some milk, then head back to the hospital at 7:30. We stay until around 10:00 and then head home, shower and go to bed. It won't be like that until Madison comes home. I just haven't been able to drive. I've been taking Percocet, and it makes me kinda loopy. But I haven't taken one today, so hopefully I can reclaim my car from my dads house where it's been for safe keeping for almost a month. Once I am mobile again, the schedule might alter a little.
So back to Madison. She is at a whopping 2 lbs. 13 oz. now. When she was born she was 2 lbs. 9 oz., and then dropped down to 2 lbs 6 oz. She she is really going up now. She is on a small amount of oxygen, and had all of her IV's taken out. So we are just waiting for her to gain weight. Once she does that she will be weened off the oxygen, and will be able to regulate her own temperature. Oh and she needs to learn how to eat. Now she is on a feeding tube. We should start to teach her how to feed within the next week.
So I know this was pretty brief, and not a lot of detail. But to be honest, it's exhausting to be dealing with all of this. And I still need to take a shower. So I just wanted to put some information out there for those of you who are wondering. Eventually I plan on blogging regularly again, but right now it really is at the bottom of my list of important things.
So back to Madison. She is at a whopping 2 lbs. 13 oz. now. When she was born she was 2 lbs. 9 oz., and then dropped down to 2 lbs 6 oz. She she is really going up now. She is on a small amount of oxygen, and had all of her IV's taken out. So we are just waiting for her to gain weight. Once she does that she will be weened off the oxygen, and will be able to regulate her own temperature. Oh and she needs to learn how to eat. Now she is on a feeding tube. We should start to teach her how to feed within the next week.
So I know this was pretty brief, and not a lot of detail. But to be honest, it's exhausting to be dealing with all of this. And I still need to take a shower. So I just wanted to put some information out there for those of you who are wondering. Eventually I plan on blogging regularly again, but right now it really is at the bottom of my list of important things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)