I'm sitting on my couch this Sunday morning, I should be cleaning up, and giving Miss Madison a bath, but instead I decided to write a blog.  It's Sunday morning, my husband and baby are still sleeping, and I have a moment of quite, so I'm not going to feel bad about writing.  Beside I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I went back to the NICU on Friday.  I was already at the hospital filling out some paperwork for Madison's bills, so I went back to see one of our nurses.  It was an interesting experience.  Madison has been out of the NICU for exactly one month today.  So when I decided to go back, I didn't think it would affect me.  Oh I was wrong.

When we were getting ready to leave the NICU one of our nurses told us that if we ever came back it may cause some anxiety, some panic.  Well our experience in the NICU was a rather smooth one comparatively, so I thought going back to visit would be a breeze.  Like going back to your old high school.  A strange sensation, but not a bad one.  And that was not the case.

I had Madison in her stroller all bundled and blocked from germs.  I thought about typing in my old code to get behind the doors into the labor and delivery/NICU wing of the hospital.  But if didn't work I would have been embarrassed.  So I went to the front desk and told them I was here to see an employee, they put a sticker on my stroller that basically says, this is my baby, and I'm not stealing one.  Then I walked through the doors.  Took a right hand turn, and saw the long hallway.

I walked down this long hallway so many times in 5 weeks.  In the beginning it was a dreaded walk.  I never knew what would be happening behind the doors that lead into the NICU.  The first few days were the worst.  She was so small, and had IV's and didn't move much.  I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to forget how I felt seeing her the first time.  The sense of failure on my part.  My body couldn't keep her safe like it was supposed to.  And she was so little and fragile, how would I ever be able to take her home?  And even as she started to get better the walk down that hallway never got easier.  And even the last time we walked down that hallway was hard.  We knew just how close we were to going home.  What if something had happened while we were away that changed everything.  That hallway is where you're biggest fears came to a head, when you can't get OUT of your head.  You imagine the worst and pray for the best.  A lot of emotion came out in that hallway.

I took my first step toward the NICU and down the hallway.  I had my baby with me in her stroller, I could see her through the little window. I KNEW she was okay and WITH me.  So why did all of the emotions come flooding back?  I almost started crying.  Everything that we went through in 5 short weeks, came flying at me in the few minutes it took to walk to the doors.  The uncertainty, the anger, the nerves, the joy.  All at once it was on the surface.  The nurse was right.  I was having a hard time with this.

When I got to the doors, I push the button I had pushed so many times, I took a deep breath and waited for my old nurse and friend to come to the door.  When she got there I got a bear hug, and then she took Madison out of my hands, and loved her and gushed over her.  It was a good visit.  I got to show off my  baby, like a new mom should.  And it was a good way to close that chapter of our lives.

I plan on going back, there are a few other nurses I would like to see.  And maybe someday I will volunteer there, to help other families. (but that is a long ways away).  But seeing an old friend and being in the hallway and laughing, I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

Boring, Just How It Should Be.

Well, it's been about 2 1/2 weeks since Madison has been home.  I can't believe it!  It's been such a whirlwind of emotions, doctor appointments, and feedings.  We have gotten into a nice little routine.  I must say that is a definite perk of time spent in the NICU.  She is so used to being on a schedule, that she didn't really blink an eye when we got home, and kept up the same (or close to) schedule.  It's an ever four hours dealio.

Our day starts between 6:00-7:00 am.  I get up for the first feeding of the day.  I have to say it's the best one of the day.  I usually have to wake HER up.  When I pick her up and bring her to my shoulder she snuggles right in.  Just like I remember doing when my mom would pick me up when I was sleeping.  After eating we usually snuggle on the couch, just to make sure she goes back to sleep, then Mommy and Madison go back to bed for a few hours.  Around 9:30 I we get up and we both get some breakfast, and start the day.  Madison usually hangs out in her bassinet or bouncy thing, while mom cleans the house.  And every 4 hours she eats, and I pump.  Then the most exciting part of both our days, Daddy comes home around 5:30.  Tyler then takes over taking care of her for most of the night.  We get in one last feeding around 1030 or 11:00, and off to bed this little family goes.  Madison USUALLY only gets up once a night around 2:00 or 2:30.  Of course it can take a couple hours to get her back to sleep, but all in all not a bad set up we have.

Now I know that you aren't reading to learn about our daily routine, but I have to say I'm pretty please with it.  And if you have to be in the NICU for 5 weeks, at least you get the perk of having a baby with a schedule when you get to go home.

I have fallen into a stay at home Mom routine.  I love being with my little girl.  But I gotta tell ya, right now it gets a little boring, and a little lonely.  I know it won't always be this way.  I won't always be tied to the house because her immune system is so weak, and she's on oxygen.  I will be sitting here thinking about things I want or need to, and I think about going out, but then I realize I can't.  And it makes me a little depressed.  It sucks to stay cooped up in the house all day.  When the sun is shining it's not so bad, I can go sit outside, and play in the dirt.  But today, today was rainy.  So I cleaned my whole house.  I have a schedule for cleaning, a different room everyday.  So now what do I do?  My whole house is clean already.  I don't quite know what to do with all my time yet.  When she gets bigger I'm sure my time will be spent keeping her out of things, and entertained.

OH but I forgot!  I WILL have something to do soon!  I signed up to take a self-paced class, to prepare me to take the state licensing exam to become a hearing aid specialist.  Its something I've been thinking about doing for a while now, but I just never had the time.  Tyler and I talked about it the other day, and since I'm not going back to work until May 20th and even then it will be part time, this is the best time to do it.  Right now I'm just waiting for my books to get here.

Sorry for this post, it was kind of boring, but that's me now!  And I love it.  No more hospitals, no more NICU, no more doctors, or nurses.  Just me, Tyler and Madison.  The way it should be!

On to the Next adventure.....HOME!

Well, we made it.  WE MADE IT HOME!  On March 29th, we got the all clear from the doctors to bring my beautiful baby home.  On Wednesday night Tyler and I spent the night with Madison in the hospital.  They have rooms that you can stay in right before you go home, so that you can have a night with your kid, and their medical equipment.  The theory behind it, is that once you get home, you know how to deal with any problems that may arise.  That was a really long night.  Madison is still on a small amount of oxygen so she has to be on a blood oxygen monitor to make sure she doesn't drop down too low.  Well this machine is super annoying.  Every time she moved her little foot, it went off.  And then there were the feedings.  Getting up every 4 hours for feedings was a completely forgein concept to me.  I hadn't had to do it before.  Needless to say Thrusday dawned very early and with a very tired mom and dad.  It was still exciting because we'd never spent the night with our little girl.

We went back to NICU after catching a few ZZZ's after the nurse took her before morning rounds.  The first thing out of my mouth as the day shift nurse came in (not one of our primary's unfortunatly) was "are we going home?"  she informed me that we wouldn't find out until after rounds.  My balloon instantly deflated.  After spending over a month in the NICU I knew that rounds could happen as early as 10:00 am or as late as 1:00 pm.  So Tyler and I settled into her room as Madison worked on her car seat test, and waited.

Lucky for me, rounds started at 11:00 on this day.  So now we just had to wait our turn.  The good thing about being in 'A' pod, most of the babies were/are whats called "feeder/growers" which for the most part, doesn't come with a whole lot of updates from the doctor.  Of course on this day there were 2 critical babies in our pod, with a lot to talk about.  I could see the gathering of Doctors and parents from our window/doors.  I felt a little selfish, I just wanted all the other meetings to hurry up, so that we could have ours.  I was a little anxious.  After what seemed like an eternity, our nurse came in and said it was our turn.  I jumped up and was ready to bolt out the door.  Tyler was sitting there playing on his phone, and the nurse asked if he wanted to come.  I told him he had to.  It could be the rounds that they tell us we're going home, he had to be there.

So we walked out to the nurses station and took our seats.  The doctors and nurses talked about her numbers and how she was doing.  The the Neonatologist looked at me and asked if we were ready to go home.  Uh DUH!  But I calmly said, yes we are ready.  And the doctor said the best words I'd ever heard.  "So, let it be done."  I was a little shocked.  Really?  It's over, we get to go?  I looked around at all the faces there and asked, so now what?  Do we just pack her up and go?

There were a few things we had to get done first, one last feeding, some discharge papers, a vitamin perscription, and gathering up our stuff.  While we were waiting for everything to be done, I went to the nurses station to talk to Ramona.  Ramona was not one of our primary nurses, but I wish she would have been.  She was with Madison during her first week in the NICU, and her last week in the NICU.  Ramona was talking to another mother, so I just hung back and waited my turn.  Ramona asked the other mother when she was going home.  She responded that if everything went well, they would be going the next day.  Ramona then turned to me and asked when we were going home.  I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said "now, we're going home now."  Ramona jumped up and rushed over to me.  And I just lost it.  She gave me a big bear hug, and I started crying.  Oh but these were happy tears.  For the first time since being in the NICU I was crying tears of joy.  We get to go home!  One leg of our journey was finally coming to a close.

At 1:45 I signed the discharge papers, and Tyler and I packed up our daughter and walked out of the NICU one last time.  One last walk down that long hallway.  We got into the car, and drove out of the parking lot one last time.

And now we are home.  The three of us, our little family home at last.  Madison is still on a small amount of oxygen, so we are tethered to an oxygen tank.  And we can't go into the general public for about 3 months.  But oh, to be home, to not have to GO somewhere to see my daughter.  It's a feeling that I can't describe.  It's wonderful.  I walk a couple of steps and there she is.  We've gone to the doctor twice since being home, and she is still doing great!  We are starting to wean her off the oxygen.  We're hoping to have her off that by then end of the month.

We decided not to announce her coming home on Facebook.  She is still vunerable to germs.  Because of that, we don't want any unexpected visitors.  It's been hard for me not to announce it to the whole world.  But I am one protective mama when it comes to my little girl.  I don't want anyone that doesn't have the all clear to come near my daughter.  Maybe in a few weeks I'll finally let people in my extended network know that she came home.  But for now it's nice to be a family at home, in our own little world.  It's been a long time coming, and I love every second of it.