It's been almost a year since Madison was born.  And the closer it gets the more I think about where I was a year ago.  Today on Jan. 19th 2012 I was just enjoying being pregnant I was just noticing some swelling in my legs and feet (which we now know was the beginning of preeclampcia).  I am more prone to...not necessarily flashbacks, but I will find myself remembering more about our time in the hospital.  Little things will bring back memories.  A noise that sounds like the blood pressure machine, or Madison's monitors in the NICU, even the oxygen monitor.

I was at work and something was beeping and it sounded like the blood pressure monitor.  Which for all intents and purposes, was my worst nightmare for 2 weeks.  I got lost in my thoughts for a few seconds.  I'm sure I looked all glassed eyed and distant for a split second.

These memories are coming back with such clarity because Madison's birthday is getting closer.  And because Tyler and I had originally thought about have our kids about 2 years apart.  Which means we'd have to get pregnant again this summer.  That's something I'm not sure I'm ready to do.  I was so excited to have Madison, and my pregnancy was going so well...until it wasn't.  And the thought of going through that experience (as good as it turned out) it is terrifying to me.  And I don't know how I would do it with Madison this time.

I'm making it sound like these memories are horrible for me to relive.  And some of them are a little scary.  But I actually have some good memories too.  There was a lot of laughter, between the crying.  And lets not forget, I got my beautiful Madison out of the whole ordeal.  I have also made some new friends, some that I hope to keep for a lifetime.

And AFTER Madison's birthday when Tyler and I decided to start talking about expanding our family, there will be a lot of prayer and discussion before we decide to proceed.

So i know this blog isn't really a great read, but these are some thoughts that have been going through my head the last couple of days, and I just needed to get them out.  So thanks for reading through my ramblings.