I'm sitting on my couch this Sunday morning, I should be cleaning up, and giving Miss Madison a bath, but instead I decided to write a blog.  It's Sunday morning, my husband and baby are still sleeping, and I have a moment of quite, so I'm not going to feel bad about writing.  Beside I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I went back to the NICU on Friday.  I was already at the hospital filling out some paperwork for Madison's bills, so I went back to see one of our nurses.  It was an interesting experience.  Madison has been out of the NICU for exactly one month today.  So when I decided to go back, I didn't think it would affect me.  Oh I was wrong.

When we were getting ready to leave the NICU one of our nurses told us that if we ever came back it may cause some anxiety, some panic.  Well our experience in the NICU was a rather smooth one comparatively, so I thought going back to visit would be a breeze.  Like going back to your old high school.  A strange sensation, but not a bad one.  And that was not the case.

I had Madison in her stroller all bundled and blocked from germs.  I thought about typing in my old code to get behind the doors into the labor and delivery/NICU wing of the hospital.  But if didn't work I would have been embarrassed.  So I went to the front desk and told them I was here to see an employee, they put a sticker on my stroller that basically says, this is my baby, and I'm not stealing one.  Then I walked through the doors.  Took a right hand turn, and saw the long hallway.

I walked down this long hallway so many times in 5 weeks.  In the beginning it was a dreaded walk.  I never knew what would be happening behind the doors that lead into the NICU.  The first few days were the worst.  She was so small, and had IV's and didn't move much.  I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to forget how I felt seeing her the first time.  The sense of failure on my part.  My body couldn't keep her safe like it was supposed to.  And she was so little and fragile, how would I ever be able to take her home?  And even as she started to get better the walk down that hallway never got easier.  And even the last time we walked down that hallway was hard.  We knew just how close we were to going home.  What if something had happened while we were away that changed everything.  That hallway is where you're biggest fears came to a head, when you can't get OUT of your head.  You imagine the worst and pray for the best.  A lot of emotion came out in that hallway.

I took my first step toward the NICU and down the hallway.  I had my baby with me in her stroller, I could see her through the little window. I KNEW she was okay and WITH me.  So why did all of the emotions come flooding back?  I almost started crying.  Everything that we went through in 5 short weeks, came flying at me in the few minutes it took to walk to the doors.  The uncertainty, the anger, the nerves, the joy.  All at once it was on the surface.  The nurse was right.  I was having a hard time with this.

When I got to the doors, I push the button I had pushed so many times, I took a deep breath and waited for my old nurse and friend to come to the door.  When she got there I got a bear hug, and then she took Madison out of my hands, and loved her and gushed over her.  It was a good visit.  I got to show off my  baby, like a new mom should.  And it was a good way to close that chapter of our lives.

I plan on going back, there are a few other nurses I would like to see.  And maybe someday I will volunteer there, to help other families. (but that is a long ways away).  But seeing an old friend and being in the hallway and laughing, I couldn't have asked for a better ending.