A little emotional insight...i guess.

I am still in the hospital.  I am still getting my BP checked every 2 hours.  I still have pre-planned meals.  I still get a heparin shot 3 times a day.  I still take 2 kinds of blood pressure medicine three times a day.  I still have a little baby in my belly.  I still have many blessings to be thankful for.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  Well, it started out interesting I should say.  I was woken up by a nurse at 6:00 am telling me they were going to put me back on the IV and that I couldn't eat or drink anymore.  Uh-oh, you know what that means?  That means they are thinking about doing surgery.  The nurse explained that because my BP readings had been so high during the night before, they were considering doing the c-section that morning.  But of course they had to talk to the resident.  Apparently they were going to try to lower my BP with medication one last time.  And then make a decision.  Tyler stopped by on his way to work, and I told him to stick around until they made a decision.  At 9:00 am the word came that my BP had dropped enough to delay delivery again.  The IV came out, and I got breakfast!  And for the rest of the day, thru the night, and today my BP has stayed pretty stable.

I've finally accepted what's going on.  And it's not so scary.  Initially it was so frightening.  I was told that my baby would be born within hours.  I was taken via ambulance to a new hospital because I was expected to deliver that night.  But once there they were able to calm things down.  I've been told several times that delivery is imminent, and to prepare for the worst.  Each time they are able to get things under control.  Let me tell you how emotionally taxing it is to have to go through that everyday.  It gets exhausting, physically and emotionally.  And yesterday morning I just reached the point of acceptance.  We have exhausted every option we have medically to delay birth.  I am on the maximum amount of TWO kinds of blood pressure medication.  So at this point, it's not an "IF" its a "WHEN."  This baby is going to come sooner rather then later.  And the doctors have already bought me and Madison an extra week together.  (Yep I've been here for a week!)  So when the moment comes, I will not pray to delay it anymore.  I will pray for the strength to get through the surgery and to be able to focus on my new baby.  And of course I will pray for Madison to be a tough little girl.  But she's made from some pretty strong stuff.  Her mommy went through this 28years ago when she was born.

I was born at 32 weeks.  (2 weeks further along then Madison) I was just over 4 pounds, 2 more pounds then Madison is expected to be.  My mom was on bed rest for 3 months.  She was at home, but she also had 2 young boys too.  The difference between me and Madison?  Well other then the fact that the medical technology in 1984 isn't near what it is now.  I didn't get a beta methasone shot to speed up the development of my lungs.  So I spent 3 months at Primary Children's Medical Center, trying to grow my lungs.  And I still have a lower lung capacity then someone born at full term.  But I made it!!  And I thrived.  So if I can so can she!

But it still scares me.  Do you know how small 2 pounds is?  That is tiny!!  How am I going to take care of that?  I have a hard time holding a full term newborn that weighs 8 + pounds.  And they want me to hold a 2 pounder....uhhh HELP!  My mommy told me that it will come naturally though.  So I will trust that.  But it's still mind boggling to me.

Ok, so my pre-planned meal just showed up.  I'm gonna go try to eat it.  And tomorrow I plan to still be in the hospital, getting my vitals taken, shots given, and blessing counted!  I just may or may not have a baby in my belly, but that's not really up to me.