One of "THOSE" days

Today was one of "THOSE" days.  You know, the kind of days were everything just kind of seems to...well, suck.  Nothing major happened, and it was a gorgeous day outside.  But something just never really clicked.  I started this morning off at Les Schwab getting some nail pulled out of my tire, that in and of itself isn't a big deal, but I didn't get to play with Madison for as long as I wanted to this morning.  Then there is this pesky thing called work.  PTHHH it is not my favorite place to be right now.  Oh sure, work is never really a fabulous place to be, but lately it feels like my work place is SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.  And I am blessed to have a job. I KNOW I KNOW, but that doesn't mean I have to LOVE it.  There is just a lot of negativity there right now, that is just pulling me down.  Then to top off the day, Tyler called me at work to inform me that the amazing crock-pot meal that I prepared this morning, didn't get cooked, because I DIDN'T TURN THE DANG THING ON.  I almost cried when he told me that, would it have been an over reaction....mmm probably, but it was just the cherry on top.

On my drive home I tried to shake off the negative vibes that had been following me around all day.  I was looking forward to a kiss from Tyler, and some play time with Madison.  My bad mood, was not going to ruin it.  By the time I walked in the door I was mostly ok, still a little grouchy, but oh man, as soon as I saw Madison, all the days worries were gone.  She looked at me and giggled and smiled and said "Ma Ma"  and I melted.  I got a kiss from Tyler and loves from Madison.

After we ate some pizza, the day was still warm enough to go play outside in the dirt with no jacket.  So by golly that's what we did.  Well, Madison played in the dirt, I watched.  Madison is growing up so fast.  I told Tyler, I miss having a snuggly baby around, but this age is pretty cool.  She is finally talking (a little bit) and exploring EVERYTHING!  And learning so much everyday.  After she got good and dirty we came inside, had a bath, a treat (a couple pieces of pineapple) read some books, sang some songs, and crashed.

And now that's what I'm going to do...crash.

Good Night!  Oh and I know this whole "write everyday" thing isn't going so well, but I'm trying...kinda.  ;)

Thoughts

OK, so this whole writing every day thing is a lot harder then I thought it would be.  I didn't post on Saturday, because it was such a full day I don't think I even got on the computer (except at work).  Sunday, was well Sunday and a girl has to have a day off right?  Monday I started to write something, but then Madison decided we needed to play, and what kind of mom would I be if I refused my ADORABLE little girl.  Yesterday was another busy day, I worked and then went to Young Women's, I was a half hour late, but still I went.  And that brings us to today.  Here I am playing catch up.

I need to think about what I want this blog to be.  Do I want to chronicle my every day life?  I think that might get kinda boring.  Or do I want to write more about my thoughts and feelings, with a little bit of goings on?  I think I will do more thoughts, feelings and milestones, as well as anything else that tickles my fancy.  I need to learn how to water mark my pictures so that I can post them without fear of someone stealing them.

Thought for today?  Not many.  I was off today and I try to have fun on my days off and not worry about work, or much else for that matter.  I did apply for some jobs in the Hearing Aid Dispensing field (which for those who are wondering, is what I want to be when I "grow up")  Madison was kinda grumpy today.  She loves to be outside, but dang it I don't like to be when it's snowing, which it was today.  She did have a chance later in the afternoon.  This morning she found a big ol' puddle to jump in and soak her shoes and socks.  But hey, you are only a kid once, so I let her jump and get wet...until it started to snow, then it was time to go find something warm to wear.

Feelings for today?  Mmmm, I am feeling loved by my husband and family.  I spent most of the day with my twinner, which is always awesome.  And went out to dinner with Tyler and the kiddo when my other plans fell through.  Madison did pretty well with both dinning out experiences. I used to get so anxious when we would go out.  She doesn't or rather didn't do well with public dinning.  It's one of those things that she just needed some practice.  Not that we eat out a lot, but as she is getting older she is starting to understand what to do and how to behave.  That makes eating out a better experience for EVERYONE involved.

I also need to work on length and how to end the blogs, but I suppose I can figure that out as I go along as well.  So for now, goodnight!

Its all good

I had a rough day at work today.  At least the last hour was kinda crappy.  I was there 45 minutes late.  On a day that I really just wanted to go home and see my husband and kid.  And then some other stupid stuff happened, that isn't even worth repeating because eventually I will forget about it, unless I write about it and stew about it.  So I'm  just plain ol' not gonna do any of that.  Anyway. I was frustrated about work and being there late so I was not my usual chipper self when I walked in the door.  I just wanted a hug and a kiss from my 2 favorite people, then I wanted to go enjoy my Friday night.  

When I walked in, I did get my hug and kiss, but the Tyler (the ward mission leader) was going out with Gordan (one of his ward missionaries) to visit some families and would be back around 730.  Talk about a bummer. I walk in the door and he walks out. 

I was determined to be pissed about it.  But I couldn't.  I know he is out fulfilling his calling and spreading the Gospel.  So while he was out fulfilling his calling I decided I need to work harder at my calling.  I am an advisor for the Laurels, and when I was first given this calling I was super excited, I knew I was given this calling for a reason. But lately I have been slacking.  I only go to young women's when it is my week to teach and I rarely go to the activities any more.  Granted I usually work until 715 or so on the activity nights.  But even if I'm late I should try to go.  So starting now no more slacking.  I was given this calling for a reason, time to give it the attention it deserves. 

And I actually did get to enjoy my Friday.  Madison was a really good kid tonight.  We ate some popcorn with my mom and played for a bit.  And then when Tyler got home we went to A&W for a late dinner, although they forgot to give us our ice cream. But we didn't even notice until we got home. It was actually kinda funny. It was just a couple of ice cream cones so not much lost.

All in all a pretty good start to the weekend I must say

It's About Time

I'm not sure just how long it's been since my last entry...I guess I could go look but I don't wanna.  So I'm just going to dive right back into this blogging thing again.  In the next week I will do some updating.  I have decided to post a new entry everyday for a whole year.  And by the end of the year it should be habit so I will just keep doing it....right?   Hmmm I dunno if that will be the case. But it's worth a shot.  Maybe it will make a better writer of me.

Now that I've committed to writing every day, I can't think of anything to write about.  Isn't that the way it always is.

I think I'm going to call it a night. This isn't a very good first entry of what could be a very long year.  I wish I could write about my day, but they tend to be pretty boring these days.  Madison keeps me on my toes of course, but I went back to work full time in December and I don't think thinking about work let alone writing about it.  And I spend a good portion of my days at work.  So if I wrote about my daily life. It would get boring real quick.  And I don't want to read this later on and bore MYSELF to tears.  Haha.

I will think of a good topic tomorrow!

Good night!

A Little Randomness for Ya

Madison is going to be just like her Momma.  She LOVES animals.  Already!  We live in between 2 animal owners, to the east of us are 2 dogs, the west a kitty.  One of the dogs names is Ozzy.  Whenever the (I think annoy) thing barks Tyler and I yell "Shut up Ozzy!"  So, guess what my daughter calls dogs?  Yup, Ozzy.  We went to Pets Mart on Saturday because the Humane Society was there, and I wanted to see the animals.  Well we walk in and she starts saying "HI, ozzzggggy"  She can't quite get the actual word out, but I knew what she was trying to say.

But the animal she REALLY loves.  Is the pretty kitty from next door.  This is the most friendly cat I've ever seen.  It's mostly an indoor cat, but when it gets outside it waste no time coming next door into my backyard.  Even venturing INTO MY HOUSE one day, when I was cooking with the back door open.  Oh man, when that kitty came in, I thought Madison was going to wet her pants (she may have actually, she's still in diapers ya know) she was so excited.  All she does is point and OHH OHHHH OHHHOOOOOHHH hey HEY HEEEEYYYY HI HI HI HI.  It is so cute!  The kitty of course it terrified of my little noise maker, but that doesn't stop Madison.  She will chase that cat as fast as her skinny legs well let her.  Did I mention I spent most of last winter feeding this cat tuna from a can, because I wasn't sure if he was a stray or not?  That may explain it's urge to come into my house.

I would love to get her a kitty.  I myself being a cat person.  But I really don't want to deal with the kitty litter, I can just see the handfuls that would make it's way into her mouth...BLECHH.  Not to mention the fur, and destruction a cat can do.  Madison makes enough messes as it is, without adding a 4 legged animal to the mix.  

Speaking of handfuls of nasty-ness going into her mouth.  We made our first call to Poison Control this morning.  I walked into my bedroom to see Madison with her diaper rash cream in one fist, and the lid in her mouth.  I chased her around and pulled the cap out of her mouth.  Then after reading the label, that clearly says to seek medical attention or call Poison Control if ingested.  We promptly called Poison Control.  Apparently this particular brand has a laxative in it, that can cause some pretty powerful diarrhea, that's why there is a warning on the label.  Well Madison didn't get a mouthful, I think she just got a lick.  And she hasn't had any abnormal poops.  So whew, on that count.  But now that diaper rash cream is far out of her reach.

Oh what fun it is to have a toddler sometimes.  But you know what?  Today, was not a hard day to be a mom.  It was a great day actually!

Is there a secret?

How do some moms do it?  I can barely keep up with housework, playing with Madison, and keeping myself looking presentable.  Some days one of those things has to go, and it is never my play time with Madison.

My house is only ever clean for MAYBE a couple of hours, then the toys get pulled back out, and the dishes start to slowly pile up again.  All the while I feel like a bad mother, the house isn't clean, but I need to play with Madison, but I need to clean the house, but I need to spend time with Madison, but I need to cook dinner, but I need to teach Madison something.  And round and round it goes.

So is there some secret that some moms know that I don't?  The ones that are dressed to the nines at the doctors office, while I sit there wondering if I remembered to brush my teeth before I dashed out the door?

If there is, will someone please let me know.

Some Days it's Hard to Be a Mom

Yesterday was a hard day to be a mom.  It was a day filled with crying (both me and Mads), throw-up, doctors appointments, frustrating visits to the pharmacy, no shower (and possibly no morning teeth brushing), and to top it all off, 4 hours at work.  Madison is sick, she rarely gets sick, and we were told to avoid it, and fear it for the longest time, so now when it happens, my world kind of falls apart.

I thought she was just miserable because growing teeth, well that's hard work.  But on Thursday night she spent the night in bed with me and Tyler.  I tried to put her into her own bed several times, but as soon as I walked away from the crib she would just loose it.  So into my bed she went.  And when I say she slept in our bed, I actually mean she slept on ME in my bed.  She didn't get much sleep and developed a fever at some point.

I went to bed wrestling with myself, trying to decide if she was just teething or if something else was going on.  Let me explain something.  I HATE going to the doctors office.  Not because it cost money, or because it's far way (it's about 25-30 min away, but her Dr. is FABULOUS)  I hate going because if my child isn't sick (if we're going in for a Well Child checkup) then the last thing I want to do, is expose her to a whole room FULL of sick kids.  So I was wresting with myself, because do I risk exposing her to illness if it's just teeth?  At some point in the middle of the night, I finally made that decision that it was something else.  And that something else warranted a trip to the DR.

So the first thing I did when I woke up was to call the Doctors office and make an appointment for 12:10 that day.  That left me with only 4 hours to fill before we left.  We had a little bit of breakfast (she wasn't very hungry).  I put Madison on the floor by the bathtub to watch the water, when she had a coughing fit that ended with vomit on my bathroom floor.  And then we took a bath.  Water has this magical effect on Mads.  She LOVES her bath.  Even though she wasn't feeling very good, she was still able to splash and have a great time.  I got her dressed and attempted breakfast again.  Madison's poor sinuses were/are draining so bad that she is choking, then coughing so hard she pukes.  Well milk makes it worse.  So after breakfast attempt number 2, she threw up all over herself, me and my living room floor.  This day was going great and it wasn't even 10 am yet.

After getting a Priesthood blessing from her Grandpa and Great-Grandpa Johnson we went to the Dr.  I had somehow managed to pull my hair up and get dressed.  When we got there I was shocked, we were the only ones in the waiting room.  We even got to see the fishies that are usually under scrutiny from about 6 or 7 snot nosed, coughing kids.  Madison did so well at the doctors.  She didn't like getting her ears looked at.  But when I said her doctor is fabulous, I mean it.  He gets down on his knees, and plays with her and blows her kisses when he leaves.

Unfortunately Mads has a double ear infection, and what the doctor called a bronchial infection.  The bronchial infection is my worst nightmare come to fruition.  Her little lungs are so vulnerable to infection, we have been praying she would never get one.  He gave us her prescription and told me to make sure her lungs don't get worse.  Right now she is moving air just fine, it just sounds very "rattly" is what he said.  So even though she may appear to be getting better the infection can hide in the small capillaries of her lungs.   We will be keeping a close watch on her until she gets better.

I had a couple of minor break downs yesterday.  A crying child and fray nerves like nothing else.  What's worse is that I don't know what else I could have done to make it better for her, but love her and giver her what I thought she needed.

I never did get a shower yesterday, but I was able to wash my face and get a new coat of mascara on before leaving for work, where I had to deal with a whole different kind of frustrating.  I told Tyler that I hoped I wouldn't get fired last night.  I was cranky, and I really don't care for some of the people that were working last night.  But I was able to keep my thoughts to myself, and got home to a (shockingly) happy baby!

Yesterday was a hard day to be a Mom, but it was all worth it when Madison ran (as fast as her little legs could go) up to me when I walked in the door after work and gave me the biggest hug her little arms would let her.

Is This a Big Day??

  Today is February 10th.  Is it an important day?  Not really.  Its the day one year ago that I went into the hospital were I would remain for 18 days.  Madison was born exactly 2 weeks later, and I was discharged 4 days after that.  I don't think that this day will hold significance to me for the rest of my life.  But this year it does.  It was the beginning of a crazy and sometimes scary ride for my little family.

  I didn't know what the next 24 hours would hold for me and my family.  There were a lot of doctors running in and out of my room, lots of poking, questions, and more information then my tired brain could handle.  I didn't really realize what was going on until the next day or so.

  I really haven't thought about where we were a year ago much today.  It's crossed my mind a couple of times.  Mostly I have been nursing a cold (and praying Madison doesn't get it), and watching Madison try to take her first steps.  Which she hasn't done yet.  And right now she is chewing on the computer charger cord.  I should probably put a stop to that.  But right now she's happy and actually letting me type.

 The next 2 weeks will be spent getting things organizing Madison's one year birthday bash!  I really thought I was be an emotional wreck these two weeks.  On her actual birthday I might be a little emotional, but right now I'm just really looking forward to celebrating.  I never thought we would ever get her out of the NICU, but we did, and here we are a year later.  People have stopped commenting on how small she is for her age, which she still is.  It's nice not to have to recount the whole story every time someone ask why she's so small.  And at this point I don't think I would recount the story.  I'd probably just smile and agree with them, "yep she's small, but a firecracker." 

I know a lot of this blog has been about Madison and how things have been going this last year.  And it will probably always be about Madison, as well as any other kids we may have.  I'm a mom, and this is what my life is about.  So stay tuned to see how life changes now that we are entering year one of the adventure known as Madison Ann.

Madison about 2 weeks old. 

 Madison December 2012

It's Quite Here...

  I went to work at 5:30, Tyler and Mads were laughing and playing.  I wasn't feeling good, and not looking forward to going to work.  But I did, and I put forth my best effort for 2 1/2 hours.  I had to come home, I'm tired, my throat hurts, and just plain ol' didn't want to be there anymore.

  When I got home, there were no cars in the drive way and the house was empty.  I was looking forward to the warm greetings I get from Tyler and Madison.  But as I sit here in the quite living room, I'm glad for a minute of piece and quite.  I think I will catch up on my favorite show, Big Bang Theory.  Thank heavens for Hulu.

It's been almost a year since Madison was born.  And the closer it gets the more I think about where I was a year ago.  Today on Jan. 19th 2012 I was just enjoying being pregnant I was just noticing some swelling in my legs and feet (which we now know was the beginning of preeclampcia).  I am more prone to...not necessarily flashbacks, but I will find myself remembering more about our time in the hospital.  Little things will bring back memories.  A noise that sounds like the blood pressure machine, or Madison's monitors in the NICU, even the oxygen monitor.

I was at work and something was beeping and it sounded like the blood pressure monitor.  Which for all intents and purposes, was my worst nightmare for 2 weeks.  I got lost in my thoughts for a few seconds.  I'm sure I looked all glassed eyed and distant for a split second.

These memories are coming back with such clarity because Madison's birthday is getting closer.  And because Tyler and I had originally thought about have our kids about 2 years apart.  Which means we'd have to get pregnant again this summer.  That's something I'm not sure I'm ready to do.  I was so excited to have Madison, and my pregnancy was going so well...until it wasn't.  And the thought of going through that experience (as good as it turned out) it is terrifying to me.  And I don't know how I would do it with Madison this time.

I'm making it sound like these memories are horrible for me to relive.  And some of them are a little scary.  But I actually have some good memories too.  There was a lot of laughter, between the crying.  And lets not forget, I got my beautiful Madison out of the whole ordeal.  I have also made some new friends, some that I hope to keep for a lifetime.

And AFTER Madison's birthday when Tyler and I decided to start talking about expanding our family, there will be a lot of prayer and discussion before we decide to proceed.

So i know this blog isn't really a great read, but these are some thoughts that have been going through my head the last couple of days, and I just needed to get them out.  So thanks for reading through my ramblings.

Ranting about Germs and Winter, but Mostly Germs

The winter weather is officially upon us.  With the winter weather comes cold and flu season.  And for me the constant worry that Madison might get sick.  I feel the need to clarify some things.  I worry about Madison getting sick.  Yes, I am a new mom, and so I worry more then a mom of 2 or 3, because I don't know what the 'norm' is.  BUT, please don't think that I am being overly protective of my child, when I tell someone that we won't be going to church/attending your party/ or playing with your kids, if any one is sick.  I'm not trying to be rude or mean.  Madison cannot fight germs as well as a full term baby can.  We are back on a modified 'lockdown' through the cold and flu season.  When Madison was released from the hospital in April  cold and flu season was on the way out.  So we were told to stay away from other people for about 3 months so that her immune system could gain some strength.  So we did.  And after that we started taking her out more, and we even ventured to church.  But at her last well child appointment her doctor told us, this winter we need to be careful.  We do not need to avoid people this year, but if they have a cold or are sick, we need to avoid them.  RSV is a scary illness for a term baby with lungs that are ready to enter the world.  It's even worse for a preemie baby.

Madison was born 10 weeks early, her lungs were NOT ready yet.  So I know that some people with babies Madisons age may think I'm being a crazy mom, I know I'm not.  I spent 5 weeks, 5 WEEKS, in the NICU.  With people telling me every day to hope for the best but expect the worse.  "She's doing really good today, but tomorrow could be different."  "She did really good lastnight, but she could always go down hill."  Up until the day, THE DAY we went home, people were telling us that things could take a turn for the worse.  So every night when Tyler and I got ready to leave her side, we would pray that she would get through the night with no complications.  Every morning, and the way to the hospital I would pray that she had a good night.  And every afternoon when I left her side, I would pray for her to have a good day.  I prayed 24/7 for her to get better, and stay better.  I wished and hoped and prayed for 5 weeks to not hear bad news.  We were lucky, she never had a bad night or day.  She never had a downhill drop, she kept getting better and better.  And when we got her home, she continued to thrive.

I know, no mother wants her child to get sick, and most new moms worry about a cough or the sniffles.  But for me, I fought for 5 weeks for her to get better, and stay that way.  And I will do that for as long as I have to.  I will not expose her to unnecessary risk.  Next year might be better, she will be almost 2, and her lungs will be stronger.  So next winter, we would love to come to your parties/ play dates/ and church, with or without every ones germs. But this year, I'm not going to do it.  And I hope I don't offend anyone but if I do, well then to me, it will be your problem not mine.

I also feel I have to add this... My stay in the NICU, was minuscule to what some others have to go through.  And I know that.  My experience was a relatively good one.  I mean the NICU sucks, no doubt about that.  But my stay could have been a LOT worse, and I thank God that it wasn't.  I have friends who's babies went through worse then Mads.  But one thing all NICU families have in common, we will all do what we have to do to prevent our babies from ever ending up back in the NICU or PICU.  It's just not something we want to go through again.

So if I have to hurt some feelings to keep Madison healthy, well then I will just have to do that.  And either you get over it, or you won't.  If you don't, well then I guess we weren't that close anyway.

Neonatal Followup Progra

On September 27th 3 days after Madison turned 7 months, we had the opportunity to go to her Neonatal Followup Program visit.  We got a letter from the state health department telling us that we could participate in this program.  She will have 4 visits in the next 2 years, I think it what it said.  The letter said that the "community" is interested in seeing how she develops over the next few years.  And by "community" I'm assuming they mean the medical community.  Because my own personal community knows how my daughter is doing.

Anyway, our appointment was at the bright and early hour of 8:30 am.  I know that this isn't really an early time, but the appointment was down by the University hospital.  Not really where I wanted to travel to during rush hour traffic.  But the traffic wasn't the worst of it.  Finding the damn place was the worst of it.  It really isn't an easy place to find.  And Tyler and I were snapping at each other before we got there, and barely speaking when we pulled into the parking lot.  It was early, and neither of us had eaten yet.  So it was not a good combination.

The letter told us to expect a 3 hour visit.  And they weren't wrong we were there for about 2 and a half.  We saw 2 doctors and a nutritionist.  The first doctor we saw was a physical therapist.  He worked with Madison to see how she is developing.  One nice thing about about this visit, is that the doctors there all know that Madison was a preemie and the appointments check her development based on her adjusted age not her actual age.  So her actual age is 7 months, but her adjusted age is only 5 months because she was 2 months early.  So when they tested her skills they did it according to where a 5 month old would be.  And the P.T. said she was doing very well!  He was really surprised at all the stuff she can do.  She can roll over no problems.  She interacts with people, will grab for toys and bring them to her mouth.  And she is still thisclose to sitting up.  All things that are very good.  So of course she is behind a 7 month old, but she is advanced for a 5 month old.  The appointment with the P.T. was the most informative.

We also met with a pediatrician, she didn't say anything different, from what Madison's Pediatrician has been saying.  And we also meet with the nutritionist.  The nutritionist was surprised that Madison is eating solid foods so well right now.  She asked if we'd been spoon feeding her.  Uh, yes, how else would we do it?

Our next Neonatal Followup appointment is in December, apparently this one will be a more detailed visit.  She will see an Audiologist, an eye doctor , and a Phsycologist, in addition to the other doctors she's already seen.

When we were there, we had to wait in the waiting room in between the doctors with other parents and they're preemie babies.  It was an eye opener for me, to see all the babies born early.  Most of them were doing well for they're ages, and complications they faced at birth.  Others were not.  You could see the delays, but the fact that all of these babies are here and turning into infants and toddlers is a miracle.  It was fun to talk to other parents and to hear their stories, and to share ours.

While I am not looking forward to another 3-4 hours appointment.  I am glad that we have the opportunity to meet with these doctors.  And to see how she is developing for a baby that was born 2 months early.  It can get frustrating sometimes to hear about your friends babies who are younger then your own, but are doing things yours hasn't yet.  So it's nice to hear that your baby is actually doing expectationally well.  Cause let's face it everyone thinks their kid does expectationally well, but to hear it, well that's just really nice.

6 Months with Madison!

I'm a little behind, in getting this post up.  But Madison is now 6 months old!  And that is a BIG deal!!!  Only 6 more months, until my little monkey is a whole year old!!  But for now lets focus on the fun things that comes with 6 months.

*Madison loves to blow raspberries, and she doesn't have the slobber under control though.  You will usually get sprayed with slobber if you are in a 5 feet radius of her :)

*She scrunches up her little nose when she smiles now.

*She loves to "fly" and "jump."

* Squeals and squeaks are a part of her regular vocabulary.

*She has been eating rice cereal is a champ, and is going to start eating veggies soon.  Although meal time usually is followed by a bath.  She tries to eat her hands AND the cereal.  Then she'll rub her face with her grubby hands and get cereal ALL over her face.  I LOVE IT!  I know it's messy, but it's just too cute, not to love it.

*Bed time has become a bit of a challenge as of late :(  We just recently switched from her bassinet to her crib.  And oh man it's not going so smooth.  She likes to sleep on her tummy.  She always starts on her back, but about 5 minutes later she flips over.  And after about a week of fighting her I finally realized that she can flip from back to front and front to back.  She has enough strength in her neck to move if she needs to.  Well when she's on her stomach she scoots forward and side to side, she hasn't mastered the art of scooting backwards.  So she will scoot her way all the way to the top of the crib and get stuck there.  And eventually bonks her head on the slates of the crib.  Thus waking her up, screaming.  And then I wake up.  She has never had a problem sleeping through the night.  So this is a new experience for me.  I hope we can work through it, and quickly :)

* She has finally found her toes, and they are regularly in her hand, when she isn't on her tummy.

It is so much fun to have her around.  I love watching her grow and turn into an awesome person.  She is still a Daddy's girl, and doesn't want much to do with me when Tyler is home.  But that's ok, she needs time with her Daddy too.  I can't wait to see what the next 6 months hold!

COOKIES!

I DID IT!! I finally managed to make a batch of cookies, that turned out they way they were supposed too.  I love to bake, and I'd like to think I'm actually pretty good at it.  But cookies are the one thing that I've never been able to do.  They always turn out pancake thin and greasy.  But I found a recipe for high altitude chocolate chip cookies.  And when I pulled my first batch out of the oven they were PERFECT!!  And they tasted pretty darn good too!
So now I can rest easy, my children will not grow up with out knowing the taste of homemade cookies :)

5 months, is a big deal!

So I'm a little behind with the whole monthly updates on my kid thing, so far behind in fact, it's NEVER happened.  To be honest, there hasn't been a whole lot to report on.  She was 2 months premature, and so like my BFF said once "it's like having a newborn for 4 months" oh how right she was/is!  Madison is just now becoming more and more entertaining.  I mean she has always had her own little personality, since day one.  But now, oh NOW we see some good stuff.

*She is still sleeping through the night!  She got that one down after about 3 weeks home!  (I'm spoiled I    know, but hey a schedule is one good thing to come from the 5 weeks in the NICU ok?)

*She is starting to roll over, in fact just today she was so mad because she couldn't get all the way over from her back to her tummy.  She threw a royal fit.  I thought about helping her, but how's she ever gonna learn if Momma helps her every time.  She eventually got onto her side, and promptly gave up and fell asleep.  

*She can turn around in a circle on her back.  Slowly inching her way around, with her head in the same spot.  It's quite funny to lay her down on the floor, and watch her become more mobile. 

*She loves to be bounced on the bed.   Tyler found this out by accident one day (at Lagoon in my Dads' trailer) she was being a fussy butt, so Tyler gently bounced the bed around her.  She LOVED it!  She will smile with her whole face, till it looks like it must hurt.  

* Her nicknames are as follows:  Mads, Stinker butt, Pretty Girl, Little Lady, and Monkey.  Monkey is a pretty popular one.  Because she was so early, she was covered in peach fuzz like hair, and her Aunt Sherri lovingly started calling her Monkey, and it stuck.  

*She loves to chew on anything cloth.  If she can get her hands on it, it's in her mouth.  If she can get a hold of her clothes, they will be drenched in slobber.  

*She is discovering her slobber now too.  Oh what fun it is!  She will suck her bottom lip in, then push it out along with copious amounts of slobber.  And repeat again and again.  

*She is still in her bassinet, although we have taken out the lounger thingy, it was to high and she would be curled up in the bottom by morning.  She spends time in the crib during the day, but still isn't a fan of sleeping in it.

*She has laughed a couple of times, I have only heard it a couple of times, but her Daddy can make her do it all the time.    

*She is a totally Daddies girl.  She loves to just hang out with Tyler.  When she's with him, she must be held, sat next to him.  And in general just be near him.  It's cute. 

It's so fun to watch my little girl grow up.  She is now a hefty 10 lbs 13 oz, 23 inch long. All I wanted when she was in the NICU was for her to grow and get big, now that she is big(er) all I want is for her to stay little.  

Long Road. Part 2.

So on February 9, 2011, my mother-in-law took me to the Taylorsville insta-care for my headache.  We went in around 9 in the morning.  I thought the wait would be short considering they had only been open for about an hour.  Well I guess they were waiting for another doctor to start his shift, so they were running a lot slower then normal.  They wait ended up being about an hour.  When I finally got back to see the doctor he asked me a bunch of standard questions.  When did the pain start? How far along are you?  Where does it hurt? Ect.  They also took my blood pressure, and noticed that it was a little high.  So they ordered a urinalysis, to check the amount of protein in my urine.  They also drew some blood.  After wait about 45 minutes for the test results to come back, I finally had some news.  They didn't know why I had such a bad headache.  So I got a prescription for the pain, and one for the nausea I was having BECAUSE of the pain.  I was prescribed codeine for the pain.  I was relieved to be able to take something stronger then just Tylenol.

So Cheryl and I went on our way, and filled the prescriptions, and I went home with high hopes of some pain relief and sleep.  But that was not to happen.  I took the codeine and all it really did was knock me out for about 2 hours, it didn't take away the pain.  So when I woke up from my drug induced sleep I was stuck for another 2 hours before I could take more.  That day I called Tyler at work crying, and asked him if he would please come home.  I didn't like being home alone, and in so much pain.  I needed someone to comfort me.  I don't remember much else about that day, just that I was in pain and wanted it to stop.  I spent that night in and out of sleep, I also spent a good amount of time crying, and ringing my hangs again.

I called out at work again the next day, and called my doctor to tell her about this headache that was going on for 2 days now.  After some convincing Tyler got me to go see a physical therapist.  The thought behind that was that I may have tweaked my neck and just needed an adjustment.  After that appointment I was actually feeling much better.  My headache had started to subsided and life was looking up for me.  Now I know WHY the headache started to go away.  I was relaxed while I was at the physical therapist office, thus bringing my blood pressure down, which alleviated the pain.

When Tyler got home from work we went out to dinner (Subway)  and then we were going to go to Wal-Mart to get a stroller car seat combo that I had seen on sale earlier that week.  After dinner my headache was back so we started our trek home.  While we were in the car my doctor called me back.  I told her about my head and that I was still in pain.  So she prescribed some loratab so that I could get some relief.  Then told me to come in to her office first thing in the morning to get my blood pressure checked.  I said I could stop in on my way to work.  I didn't think it would end up being a big deal.  Just stop in for 15 minutes, and then off to work I would go.  (Oh how wrong I was).  I remember that night before I went to bed, I was sitting on the couch, I looked up at Tyler and said,"have you ever had a feeling that something isn't ok?  Well I feel like this headache is something more." (oh how right I was).

That night I actually got quite a big of sleep, the loratab worked wonders and Tyler bought some rice packs at Walgreens so the heat and the pills made for a great sleep.  When I woke up (2/10), I was still in pain, but it really wasn't as bad as it had been.  So I decided it was time to go back to work.   I didn't want to use up all of my sick time on a silly headache.  I had plans to use it when Madison finally made her appearance.  I remember I put on my black pants, and my purple work shirt.  I took a rice pack with me, and I was out the door at 8:00.  I really wasn't worried while I was driving to the doctors.  I had no prior knowledge of pre-eclamcsia and didn't know there was reason to worry.

When I got to the office, I was taken back into a room as soon as I got there.  The nurse took my blood pressure, and the called my doctor.  It was really high.  I can't remember how high it was anymore.  The nurse came back and told me that Dr. Onieda told me to go over to Alta View Hospital (where I planned to have Madison) and go to labor and delivery.  I was officially worried then.  I didn't know what was going on.  So I said ok.  And as I walked back to my car I called Tyler crying.  I told him what happened, and then told him I was going to go get him and then we would go to the hospital together.  He asked if I wanted to meet him there, and I said no.  I didn't want to go alone.  I was too freaked out to drive from Bluffdale, where Tyler works, up to Alta View Hospital.  So Tyler drove me, while I sat and worried.  Tyler tried to make me feel better, but I was really scared.  I had no idea what was about to happen.

When we finally arrived the nurses where waiting for me.  They took me back into a room, and gave me a gown.  Hooked me up to fetal monitors and a blood pressure machine then we waited.  When someone came back, they told us they want us to stay for at least 24 hours, to do a urine collection.  There was a high count of protein in my urine so they wanted to get a better look at it.  So that was okay.  We could handle 24 hours.  So I sent Tyler home to gather up an overnight bag.  He also went back to his work to get his car.  He didn't want to leave it in the parking lot over night.  While he was gone, I was told that the doctors wanted to do an ultra sound on the baby that day, to see how she was doing.  Tyler was only gone for about and hour and a half.  I asked if they could wait for Tyler to get back so that he could go with me.  But as I was asking, he walked back into the room.  So off we went to get an ultra sound.  I now know that it was fetal monitoring.  After having one a day while I was in IMC, looking back I can recognize it for what it was.  When they were done, the tech said it looked like she was doing pretty good, and sent us on our way.

Once back in the room, my Doctor came to check on me.  She told us that I had abnormally high blood pressure, and that she needed to consult with another doctor to form a plan for what to do.  Nothing she really said, made me think anything was seriously wrong.  I still thought we'd be out by the next afternoon.  My head wasn't hurting as bad, and things seemed to be getting better.  I'm not sure how long it was but eventually another doctor came in, and told us we needed to transfer to another hospital.  At this point thing kind of started to blur together.  And happen so quickly.

My dad and step-mom where there, although I can't really remember when they showed up.  I know I called my sister and my mom, although I can't really remember when.  The doctor started talking about pre-eclamsica and high blood pressure.  And that they baby could die, that I could die, or have seizures a stroke.  And that the baby would probably be delivered that night.  So we had to go to Intermountain Medical Center.  They had/have a better facility for premature babies then Alta View does.  Everything was kind of a blur.  A nurse came in and started an IV for the Magnesium drip, and gave me my first dose of the beta-methasone shot, to help speed up Madisons lung development.  Then they told us I had to be transferred via ambulance and someone wanted to put in a catheter.  Finally Tyler told everyone to stop.  He wanted to talk to MY doctor and figure out what was going on.  Everything was happening so quickly.  One minute we were in for 24 hour evaluation, and the next he's being told his wife and daughter might die.  We weren't really sure what to think.  So my doctor called and told him that I really did need to go to IMC.  And after going around a few more times, we said we were ready to go.  So Tyler packed up our stuff, and a nurse put in a catheter.  Then we waited for the ambulance.  I tried to be strong, but I was in such a daze, I wasn't really sure what was going on.  The ambulance drivers showed up, they were good guys.  They made me feel at ease and made me a Tyler laugh a little.  So Tyler gave me a kiss good bye and they wheeled me out to the ambulance.

The next time I saw him, I was surrounded by doctors getting vitals and asking questions.  I didn't even know what time it was.  It was dark, I know that much.  But it was the middle of February so it could have been early afternoon.

I can't write anymore right now.  All of the memories and emotions are a little intense right now.  So in a few days I'll pick it up again.  But I need to organize my thoughts.  And maybe not write so late at night.  Emotions always seem to be closer to the surface at night.

We Blessed My Blessing.

Well it only took almost 5 months, but today we finally did it!  We blessed Madison at church today!  We've been waiting to do it.  At first it was because she was just too small.  We were told to wait about 3 months to have her around a lot of people.  We waited about 4 months.  Originally we wanted to do the blessing outside of church.  I thought doing it at a park or stake center with a pavilion would have been fun.  Do it in the morning and have a BBQ afterward.  But the weekend we wanted to do it wasn't good for my family to get up here from St. George.  And then our bishop suggested we do it at home, and on a Sunday, not Saturday.  I was a little bummed at first.  I had this idea in my head about how I wanted to do this, and we wasn't going as planned.  But eventually Tyler and I decided we could do it on a Sunday, but we would still do it at home.  Then we found out we would have to wait until after 2 in the afternoon, if we wanted to bless her at home.  Know that, we decided to bless her in church.

Now I love the ward we are in.  I don't know a whole lot of people, but everyone is very nice to us.  I just have one issue, and it's really my problem not anyone else.  They ladies in the ward seem to play musical babies.  All the babies seem to be in someone elses' arms by the end of church, and often on the other side of the room.  It always made me a little nervous.  I just don't like the idea of everyone holding my child.  So I was afraid that if we did the blessing at church people would want to hold her.  And I mean who wouldn't?  She's so cute.  But I'm just not quite ready to expose her to a whole lot of germs.  So it was a little hard for me to consent to doing the blessing at church.  But today went really well.  We were surrounded by family, and the only people that approached us from the ward, were the few people that I actually talk to on a regular basis.  And we were able to make a quick exit to discourage too many people from stopping us.

This morning I was running around like a crazy person.  I got most of the prep work done last night.  Setting the chairs out, and organizing things how I wanted them.  But this morning I had to cut up some huge Costco muffins into quarters so that people could have a couple different flavors.  Then I decided to make a couple of frattas.  And then I realized I didn't have ice, or cups for the drinks.  So I made a mad dash over to Reams.  On top of this I had to get ready, and get Madison ready.  Madison was a good little girl this morning.  She slept until 8.  Tyler had to wake her up so feed her.  When Madison is woken up she tends to be in a better mood.  I think it's because we have a bottle ready, and she doesn't have to scream while we get her food ready :)  Tyler had her feed and burped by the time I got home from Reams.  When I got home I took her from Tyler, snuggled a little and then got her dressed.

I LOVE her little dress.  We got it at the Church Distribution Center after searching for a couple of weeks.  She looked so pretty in it.  She seemed to like it too, so much she tried to eat it while I was getting her dressed.  She looked so sweet and innocent (which she is of course).

Just before it was time to go, I told Tyler to rearrange our cars so that his car would be in the driveway, we needed a little more parking space on the street.  Well he came back in and told me we had to take his car because mine had a flat :(  So instead of putting the car seat base in his car we opted to just walk.  Our church is a half a block away and for the first time ever we were actually ready in time to walk.  It was a  nice cool morning, just made for walking.  Madison was wide awake and really seemed to enjoy the walk.

When we got to the church we were greeted by my Grandparents from Cedar City, and my Uncle Brett.  All from my Moms side.  I was happy to see them.  We were only about 10 minutes early, which was plenty.  Tyler did a great job with the blessing, and Madison was a good girl, not making a peep.  She even opened her eyes when Tyler held her up.  She woke up during the meeting, and started to cry for some food.  But other then that she was a little angle.  My grandma held her for about 20 minutes and rocked her to sleep.  Grandmas can do that you know?

I am so glad she didn't poop while she was in her dress.  I hear stories (my niece did it) of babies having blow outs in their pretty white clothes.  But not my baby!

I really think she enjoyed this day.  I know I did.

 If you would like to see pictures, check out my Facebook page.  I don't know how to post pictures on here yet :D

Long Road. Part One.

So, I'm sitting here, looking at my beautiful daughter I decided to write down the beginning of our adventure. I have never written in down in it's entierty.  I have posted bits and pieces as I was feeling like sharing.  But this post, is for me.  So that I will remember the details.  I'm not expecting anyone to read this.  If you do, know that this was the hardest road I've ever had to travel down, but it lead me to one of the best things in my life.  The wonderful, and beautiful Madison Ann.

Tyler and I found out we were expecting in August of 2011.  It was a surprise of course.  We weren't TRYING to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either.  We just figured we'd let it happen if it was meant to.  And one night I took a test, and there is was 2 lines.  It's amazing how 2 little lines can change your life forever.

The next 6 months we pretty uneventful.  I had a pretty easy pregnancy, I thought.  A little bit of morning sickness, nothing too bad.  I only threw up at work once, and only a handful of times at home.  I had a major food aversion to eggs.  Oh man the smell made me ill.  I remember one morning, Sherri, Tyler and I all went to Kneaders for breakfast.  Sherri and I both got the french toast, but Tyler...oh Tyler, got a breakfast sandwhich with a greasy over hard egg on it.  *gags*  It smelt so bad to my pregnant nose.  He got his food before I got mine, and I sat there with a napkin over my nose until my french toast arrived.  And when it finally arrived I practically ate with my nose in the food, just to keep the egg smell out.  As for cravings I only had a few.  Grape soda was a major one.  And grilled cheese sandwiches.  I swear Tyler made me a grilled cheese almost every night.  Oh and potatoes, which was a strange one.  I used to HATE potatoes, but during my pregnancy and ever since, I really like them.

I remember hearing stories from my friends that were pregnant when I was.  And most of them were like horror stores. Horrible nausea, throwing up everything, all the worst symptoms of pregnancy all rolled into one.  I would offer my condolences, while sighing on the inside that my pregnancy was going so smoothly.  I only gained 14 pounds and was feeling pretty great.  And then I started getting headaches.

I did some research and found out that headaches during the second trimester are pretty common.  It's all the extra hormones floating around.  The bad thing is that you can't take ibuprofen while preggers, only Tylenol.  And Tylenol made me sick.  So I would have to suffer through the pain.  But I never really thought much about it.  My appointments were going ok, and my blood pressure was like "a teenager" so the nurse always said.  Not that I would have even put headaches and blood pressure together as meaning anything at that point.

So in February I was 7 months along, celebrating my 28th birthday.  It was time for a trip to St. George to enjoy being Shelli and Tyler for one last weekend before we became "mom and dad."  It was a fun trip.  We stayed at a nice hotel, went out to eat for my birthday, did some shopping, lounged beside the pool.  And enjoyed the 70 degree weather at the beginning of February.  My legs were swollen, they were so fat that my skin hurt to touch, because the skin was pulled so tight.  And my feet were what I called my "Chris Farley" feet.  All fat and pudgy.  I honestly thought they were so swollen because of the drive down.  From being in the same position for 3 hours. At one point we stopped in at my brothers house.  He mentioned my legs and asked if everything was ok.  I thought it was and told him I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday when we got back to SLC.  Again, I didn't really think anything was wrong.  My brother didn't say anything else to me.  He did however mention it to my dad, that my legs were pretty bad.  But I didn't know that until after everything was done.

We went down to St. George on Feburary 3rd (my birthday), we got back into town on February 6th, and I went to work on Monday morning (the 7th).  I was not an exciting day I just went to work, I'm sure I laughed and told everyone about sitting by the pool in February.  Tuesday is when all the "fun" began.

I had my regular doctors appointment that day.  I always went in on Tuesdays, that was my day off.  I had to go in at 8 that morning for the extended glucose test.  My first test came back abnormal so lucky me I had to sit in the doctors office for 4 hours BEFORE my regular schedualed appointment.  I spent that 4 hours reading a book (a crappy one) and getting my blood drawn.  When it was time for my appointment, the took my blood pressure, and told me it was a little high.  Then the nurse said it was probably because of the sugar from the glucose test.  Ok, well that's not a big deal.  Once I come down off the sugar high things will be alright.  Then the doctor came it.  She was frazzeled and had a stack of patient files.  And told me how she had been sick all weekend.  I laughed and joked with her about the hectic life.  She listened to the babies heartbeat and asked how I was doing.  I then showed her my legs and asked what I could do to keep the swelling down, and if it was somthing to worry about.  She said that there wasn't anything to worry about, and to just put my feet up when I get home from work.  Well that was going to be easy.  Anything to get out of housework right :)

So after my appointment I came home and spent the rest of my day off watching TV and reading that crappy book.  It took me the rest of the day to finish reading the book.  I actually finished it at 10:30 that night.  Don't ask me why I remember that, but I do.  I think it was because my neck has started to hurt and I looked up at the clock and realized it was time for bed, and I hoped that sleep would take care of the neck pain.  Before we went to bed, I mentioned to Tyler that my neck was bothering me.  We both decided it was probably due to reading too much, and having my neck bent weird all day.  So off to sleep we went.  And  4 hours later I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had in my life.  I haven't cried because of a headache since I was a kid.  But this headache woke me up, and made me cry.  I took some Tylenol, because I couldn't handle it.  The Tylenol, made be throw up about an hour later.  I spent the rest of the morning ringing my hands, and rubbing my head, trying to forget about the pain.  I told Tyler about it a couple of times during the night, but he really didn't know what to do.  So he would hold me and then promtly fall back to sleep while I was silently freaking out.  I managed to make it through the night.  I think I only got a couple of hours of sleep that night.

At the time I worked the closing shift on Wednesdays.  I called Tyler after he had already made it to work, and asked him what he thought about me calling in sick that day.  He said that if I felt like I had to, that I should do it.  And that was all I needed.  I called one of my co-workers to see if she could take my closing shift.  Thankfully she said that it wouldn't be a problem.  And I tried to get some more sleep.  With little success.  About an hour later I called Tyler in tears, and asked if he thought his mom would take me to the insta-care.  He said she probably would.  So I called his mom and she came to pick me up.  My head still hurt but I was glad to be going to see the doctor to make sure everything was ok.  It would be another 2 days before anyone figured out that anything was wrong. 


I could keep writing, but this is going to be a long story.  So I think I will break it up a little bit.  For a couple of reasons.  One, it will give me a chance to process everything and organize my thoughts.  And two, to make it easier to read, on the off chance anyone actually decides to read it. :)  

The Cover is Down For a Reason

This post is going to be a bit of a vent.  So just be forewarned.  I rarely take Madison out into the general public.  She is little still, and I don't want to expose her to a lot of germs yet.  She is getting bigger, but her immune system still isn't where it should be.  We were told when we left the hospital to give it about 3 months.  Well we've got almost 2 under our belts.  And lets be honest I'm a new mom, so I still worry about the little things, because I don't know any better yet.  So on top of being a new mom, I'm a new mom with a baby that was born 10 weeks early.  

So on the rare occasion I DO take her out of the house, I keep her car seat covered up.  I don't need anyone breathing on her, poking at her or stroking her.  Yes my baby is adorable, and fun to look at, but I don't need your germs near her.  So my general thought process is as follows: if she's covered, then it's for a reason, and that should be enough to keep people from being too curious. Am I wrong in thinking that??  Apparently so! 

*sigh*  I took Madison to the doctor this morning.  It was time for her second round of the RSV shot.  I HATE going to the doctor.  I'm paranoid enough about germs, so going to a place that is crawling with them, makes me squeamish.  But I keep her covered until the doctor looks at her.  And I've never had any problems with people wanting to take a peak....until today.  

I was at the counter trying to make her next appointment.  The receptionists always get confused.  She isn't on a normal well child visit schedule.  Because she was preemie, she's about 2 months behind.  So they always get confused as to why the doctor wants to see her.  So I usually end up getting frustrated and tell them that they doctor just wants to see her!  Please just make me an appointment, who cares what it's for.  In addition to being frustrated with the front desk people, I had a crying baby.  I mean I'd be crying if some gave me shot with no warning, and not being able to vocalize my frustrations.  Well, her cry is pretty loud to me, but to most people (including the woman standing next to me) she probably still sounds like a newborn.  And apparently that makes her cries cute?  I don't think so.  But this woman next me thought so.  She looked at me and asked if I had a new baby in the car seat.  Uhhh, nope, just a doll that cries, because crying babies is fun!  I kept that to myself though.  I politely said yes, I did.  And she walks around me and starts to bend down towards the car seat and ask if she can look.  And I was really surprised at just how forceful I was in my answer.  I said NO, she's a preemie baby and I don't want you to look at her.  Then this women, who I DON'T know from Eve, who was there with two kids at the doctor for who knows what reason.  Gets offended that I told her no.  Gave me a crusty look and walked away.  OK, for one it's MY baby, and if I don't want weird people looking at her that's MY decision, and you don't need to get offended!.  Two, we were at the DOCTOR, you are there for a REASON.  I don't know what that reason is.  For all I know one of your kids is sick, so I don't need your foreign germs on or around my child.  And third, the car seat cover was DOWN!  I had her covered for a reason.  If I wanted the whole world to see her, I would leave it UP.  

Am I the only Mom that get bothered by this?  It's kind of like when other people touch your belly when you're pregnant.  It's a matter of personal boundaries.  You just don't touch someone else unless your invited too.  And while we're on the topic.  WHY oh WHY is it acceptable to touch a pregnant woman's belly?  What social rule, ever made that okay?  I just don't get it.  I don't go up to random people and touch them.  But I am all about personal space.  I even hate it when people get to close to me when I'm in line for anything.  

So that is made rant for the day.  Other then weird lady wanting to look at Madison the visit went pretty well.  She is growing like a weed.  She is almost 3 months old (May 24th) and is now up to 7 lbs 13 oz, and 20 inches long.  She is still below the curve, but her doctor assures me that in the next month or two she will be at the bottom of the curve for her age.  He even said twice, how amazed he was with her growth.  And that he wished he saw more preemie babies doing as well as she is.

It makes me feel so blessed when we find out just how good Madison is doing.  She had such a rough start in her life, things could have just as easily gone the other way.  But the Lord decided that she was going to thrive.  For that Tyler and I are eternally grateful for that.    

By the way, Madisons' pediatrician is AMAZING!  His name is Dr. Peter Lindgren.  He is so good with her.  Every time we go, he tells be how beautiful she is, and he looks at her as if he was looking at one of his own kids.  And is very easy to talk to.  He listens to all of my concerns, and doesn't make me feel like any of my worries are trivial.  

I'm sitting on my couch this Sunday morning, I should be cleaning up, and giving Miss Madison a bath, but instead I decided to write a blog.  It's Sunday morning, my husband and baby are still sleeping, and I have a moment of quite, so I'm not going to feel bad about writing.  Beside I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I went back to the NICU on Friday.  I was already at the hospital filling out some paperwork for Madison's bills, so I went back to see one of our nurses.  It was an interesting experience.  Madison has been out of the NICU for exactly one month today.  So when I decided to go back, I didn't think it would affect me.  Oh I was wrong.

When we were getting ready to leave the NICU one of our nurses told us that if we ever came back it may cause some anxiety, some panic.  Well our experience in the NICU was a rather smooth one comparatively, so I thought going back to visit would be a breeze.  Like going back to your old high school.  A strange sensation, but not a bad one.  And that was not the case.

I had Madison in her stroller all bundled and blocked from germs.  I thought about typing in my old code to get behind the doors into the labor and delivery/NICU wing of the hospital.  But if didn't work I would have been embarrassed.  So I went to the front desk and told them I was here to see an employee, they put a sticker on my stroller that basically says, this is my baby, and I'm not stealing one.  Then I walked through the doors.  Took a right hand turn, and saw the long hallway.

I walked down this long hallway so many times in 5 weeks.  In the beginning it was a dreaded walk.  I never knew what would be happening behind the doors that lead into the NICU.  The first few days were the worst.  She was so small, and had IV's and didn't move much.  I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to forget how I felt seeing her the first time.  The sense of failure on my part.  My body couldn't keep her safe like it was supposed to.  And she was so little and fragile, how would I ever be able to take her home?  And even as she started to get better the walk down that hallway never got easier.  And even the last time we walked down that hallway was hard.  We knew just how close we were to going home.  What if something had happened while we were away that changed everything.  That hallway is where you're biggest fears came to a head, when you can't get OUT of your head.  You imagine the worst and pray for the best.  A lot of emotion came out in that hallway.

I took my first step toward the NICU and down the hallway.  I had my baby with me in her stroller, I could see her through the little window. I KNEW she was okay and WITH me.  So why did all of the emotions come flooding back?  I almost started crying.  Everything that we went through in 5 short weeks, came flying at me in the few minutes it took to walk to the doors.  The uncertainty, the anger, the nerves, the joy.  All at once it was on the surface.  The nurse was right.  I was having a hard time with this.

When I got to the doors, I push the button I had pushed so many times, I took a deep breath and waited for my old nurse and friend to come to the door.  When she got there I got a bear hug, and then she took Madison out of my hands, and loved her and gushed over her.  It was a good visit.  I got to show off my  baby, like a new mom should.  And it was a good way to close that chapter of our lives.

I plan on going back, there are a few other nurses I would like to see.  And maybe someday I will volunteer there, to help other families. (but that is a long ways away).  But seeing an old friend and being in the hallway and laughing, I couldn't have asked for a better ending.